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January 16, 2005

The Phantom Beating or "Swimmer's Ear: The Silent Killer

What is it they say? Don't stick anything in your ear, except your elbow(?).

Anyway, what I thought was a routine ear infection nearly landed me in the hospital on a life-giving IV. After suffering some minor ear pain on a Thursday and Friday, the pain got so intense on Saturday that I went to the emergency room late that night.

The emergency room physician tried to examine my ear, but the swelling had completely closed the ear canal to the point he couldn't see in at all. The Doctor asked me if I did any swimming, which is really unintentionally funny if you've ever seen me, and said I had swimmer's ear. I had swimmer's ear about 5 years ago and it was kinda painful, but nothing like this. He prescribed antibiotics (pills) and eardrops. He also inserted a "wick", which is literally a foam wick to help the drops reach the innermost part of the ear (This hurt so fucking bad I screamed like Ned Beatty). He told me to leave the wick in until Monday when it would be removed by my regular doctor.

Sunday, my ear was swollen like a motherfucker, and the wick felt like a sewing needle inside jabbing me constantly. I did the antibiotics and the eardrops as well as enough Vicodin and Darvocet to make Ben Affleck's weekend in Vegas look like a Christian retreat.

So Monday morning comes, and after sleeping about an hour on/hour off all night, I ripped the wick out of my ear and while looking in the mirror, I realize the entire left side of my face had blown up and my left eye was totally black underneath and swollen. I looked like Tina Turner after a bad night with Ike. It was the beating I've been threatened with by people who had seen my act, but I've yet to receive. By the time I reach the doctor on Monday afternoon, he says the emergency room guy was a schmuck, and while this is "Swimmer's Ear" it's the most serious infection he'd seen of its kind. He immediately sticks a needle in my ass, prescribes new medication and samples the yellow junk in my ear. He says that barring a big turnaround, in 24 hours I'll be in Troy Beaumont receiving intraveinous antibiotics to prevent the infection from spreading.

So Monday night I made a few calls and plan my funeral, really. The only comic to make it as a pallbearer was Corey Hall. The others were my friends Greg, Patrick & Todd, and my cousins Matthew and Adriano. Sorry if you didn't make it, was a tough list to put together, nothing personal. Maybe next funeral.

Anyway, when I woke up I was a little better without the serious pain and some reduction in the swelling. It was the miracle recovery I'd hoped for. I didn't go into the hospital. I went out and did comedy shows with one ear later that week. My face is still a horrible mess but it's only the God-given ugliness that's there now. I survived the most painful ailment I ever had. Really, wisdom teeth and root canals (I've had both), felt like a mosquito bite next to this pain. Don't let this happen to you. Keep you ears dry, and don't put anything in there. Although, it is tempting during some comics' acts, isn't it?

Posted by joel at January 16, 2005 11:31 PM