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January 17, 2005

Some Comics Will Do Anything or Lighter Up My Ass

Comics can be real shameless bastards. Guys on the road sell such crap as giant paper middle fingers, joke books they didn't write, or some t-shirt with a 3rd grade design on it that fades out after one wash. They routinely sell this stuff after the shows at, literally, five to ten times the cost of the item. Let's face it - a lot of comics' t-shirts only see the light of day when they are use to suds up the old Buick on a Sunday afternoon. I mean how many of you have smeared an oily dipstick across the image of Emo Phillips in your lifetime? I thought so.

You know how I feel about this? I love it. If boozed-up audiences can be hoodwinked into shelling out 10 beans for a lousy $1.50 CD or shirt, so that a comic can afford to stop at the turnpike Burger King - then that's alright with me. Hell, it probably won't be too long before I'm selling Groucho glasses and "Bikini Inspector" t-shirts at my shows.

Another thing comics do is promote with anything they can. A bumper sticker, a business card, a ridiculously multi-colored website - hoping that people will think your dick jokes are funnier then the other guy's because you spent $50 at Kinko's.

A really funny incident was when I was backstage at a show and a veteran comic was looking for a light for his cigarette. I don't smoke but I found a lighter sitting back there that was adorned with a comedians name, a little cartoon and a phone number. I tossed it to the guy and said "Try this guy's lighter". The veteran comic went ballistic. "He took a 10-cent lighter and taped on a piece of paper!", he screamed. He was right. The comic who gave out the lighter isn't even very good. The veteran lit his smoke and whipped out his cell phone. HE PROCEEDS TO CALL THE NUMBER ON THE LIGHTER - and he doesn't even know the guy!

It turns out it's a voicemail. At the tone the pissed-off funny man yells, in his best West Coast Fag affect, "Hi! I found your lighter up my boyfriend's ass! Please refrain from putting it there." He went on and on. It was hilarious. This dude's funny on stage but this was his best performace yet. Everyone backstage was rolling.

When he hung up, I asked him, "did you block your caller ID?" He didn't. the phone rang a few minutes later. He tentatively answered it - it wasn't the guy. No, he was too embarrased.

Should he be? I don't know. Everybody's junk is junk. Your personalized beer can cooler really isn't any better that the other guy's coffee mug or baseball cap. That guy's lighter is no worse than this website. If it promotes your act - which is how you make your money - then it's all good. If you can sell a baby t-shirt with your filthiest punchline on it, and do it with a straight face, then God bless you. You're a better man than me. Meanwhile, I've got to get to work on those JoeltheComic.com whoopee cushions and hand buzzers.

Posted by joel at January 17, 2005 11:29 PM